Living with loss

This week is my Mum’s birthday and with the run up to Christmas it makes me realise what I have lost. This blog is not a sympathy post or anything like that, just my reflection of a couple of difficult years and how we manage to carry on living. Because that is what we eventually have to do. Carry on living. 

I will talk about my mum and dad, but wanted to share some of my earlier memories of losing someone. The first funeral I ever remember going to was an ex-boyfriends. We had split up about 6 months earlier, and he was tragically killed in a car accident a few weeks before my final year exams at uni. I remember feeling numb, not sure how I was suppose to feel. We had after all split up. But we had spent three years together. He had come to family parties, friends weddings and was part of my life at uni. So to loose someone you had been that close to was difficult. But also strange as I had a new boyfriend and it all felt awkward. I remember sitting at the funeral just staring into space, hoping it was all a dream.

The second funeral I went to was the vicar at my church. Sounds a bit odd, but this is the man who I had grown up with into my adult life and who had been a big part of me and my families life. He passed away only a few weeks before he was due to marry me. Well carry out the service (to the new boyfriend mentioned above). My godfather, also a vicar, had to step in at the last minute to carry out the service. I remember at this funeral having an amazing sense of loss. Something that could never be replaced.

Don’t worry this is not going to be an A-Z of funerals I have attended, though I’ll be honest I haven’t really been to that many, until recently.

Back to my mum and dad. So mum suffered from dementia and Dad had many different physical illnesses.

Together they looked after each other. However, COVID changed all of that. Dad used it an excuse not to get out and keep active and this was the worse thing for them both. We had not realised how much it was affecting them until dad ended up in hospital. Then we really realised just how much mum and dad had deteriorated. Dad sadly passed away on the 29th December 2020 after spending Christmas in hospital without any of us being able to visit. My brother and my mum were eventually allowed in when it was felt that my dad was not going to be with us much longer. A man who had been surrounded by his family, something he was very proud of, died with only his wife and eldest son. I remember the day my dad passed, as Adam and I were walking a marathon and we were 7 miles in. I decided that I wanted to complete the marathon in memory of my dad. Because of COVID we were unable to have a proper funeral and wake for Dad, with only 30 guests being able to physically be present and others joining via the internet. 

With the passing of Dad, we then realised just how bad mum had got. Her dementia had taken much of our mother from us. My brother looked after mum in the first few months and then my sister stepped in to take mum to Manchester. At this point I would like to thank my sister for being amazing and looking after mum even when it became really difficult. Unfortunately dementia affected mum in a way that she became violent and eventually mum had to be sectioned for her safety. The NHS were amazing and mum went to a facility that cared for individuals who could no longer look after themselves. COVID hit again and mum unfortunately caught COVID and combined with her dementia, she basically gave up. I don’t think she really got over losing dad. I was lucky enough to be with mum and my sister during these final days. 

I really me miss my mum and my dad. They were a huge part of my life, even after I had grown up, got married, had children, mum and dad were still a big influencing part of me. Now they are no longer here it feels strange. Me and my siblings are now at the top of the family tree and it just feels wrong. But like everything life goes on and you continue to live. Some days you don’t really feel like you are living, but other days you celebrate your life. Remembering that we celebrate our parents lives through the life we live. 

This is one of the last pictures I have of my mum before she ended up in hospital and it reminds me of the lovely happy person that she was.