Marriage and Menopause

This week I have seen numerous posts about how to have a happy marriage. Which I always find fascinating. Having been married for over 30 years now, maybe I should know what makes a happy marriage. Adam and I met at university and were friends within the friendship group that we were apart of. He was engaged to someone else and I had a long term relationship. We parted ways when we went off to our year in placement, me up to Rolls-Royce in Derby and he to GEC in Rochester. When we came back to uni for our final year, most of our friendship group had already left and so we picked up from where we left off with only a handful of us. It didn’t really take long for us to realise that we actually wanted more than friendship and one fateful afternoon I met up with Adam in the cellar bar (which was black and disgusting, but did do cheap pizza at lunch time), got him drunk and invited him back to my place. It seemed an inevitability that we would be together. Though I do remember sitting on my bed in my student room, Adam asked if he kissed me now, would I hit him. Well guess what I didn’t hit him,

The complication was that Adam was still engaged and I was still in a relationship, but as over 30 years of marriage shows, it was meant to be. We got together officially after that, moved in 8 months later, engaged 9 months and married after 18 months. We bought a little two up two down straight from uni, in Plumstead, Adam went to work for Micromuse and I stayed on at uni to study for a PhD.  I have to say at this point I never married Adam for his money, he was very much in debt when we got together and that was the first thing I had to sort out.

So what makes a happy marriage/partnership. I suppose it is understanding that it is not always going to be rosey, You will have some difficult times, one or both of you are going to make stupid decisions. You are going to say I hate you, or at least feel it sometimes. You are going to get on each other’s nerves, have pet hates. This is all normal. But I think the biggest thing is to acknowledge that despite all these things, or maybe even because of them you love them. You loved them from the beginning, loved them enough to get married, you love them through everything that feeling does not go away. I think it can sometimes get overwhelmed by other feelings and gets lost, but it never goes away. For some it can get so lost, that it does feel like it has gone away, but I am not sure it does. Even through the worst possible situations. It just requires a bit of effort to try and find those feelings again. I know that for some this is impossible and that the best option is to move on, however I do feel that some do take the easy option too quickly. But hey what do I know.

In my marriage, I believe that one of the things that makes us strong is that we are quite like minded, but also different in character. We do our own things, I run, Adam bikes. As well as things together, going to cinema, restaurants, etc.. We have travelled the world as a couple, many cruises and individually, I went to the Galápagos Islands on my own for two weeks when the girls were only 4 and 6.. We cared for our children as a partnership. Though one thing I did learn, is that I am in charge of the money. Which is why we still have some. We do spend it and we are extravagant, but within our limits. Something I learnt earlier on is Adam. It is not one of his strengths in our relationship, but he has many and that is what he brings to the table. It is very much a sharing thing. Do we still moan at each other? Absolutely, apparently in our house there is a washing fairy which magically puts clothes back in the cupboards and conversely there is definitely a dishwasher fairy, I hate emptying the dishwasher. 

I suppose it is learning to accept this, we are not there to change anyone, to mould them into something they are not. You have to learn to be happy with what life throws at you and make the most of it.

So my title is marriage and menopause for a reason. You do have to focus on all the good things and that you got past any of the bad times. During menopause it does become difficult. There are many times when I have just wanted to murder my husband. Of course, I would not actually kill him, but the feelings of rage that I feel is hard. Most of the times it is nothing that Adam has done, it is just an overwhelming feeling of rage and the need to be violent. I am learning to notice the signs and to ensure that I get out for a run or walk if these feelings persist. I do get less of these feelings now and am hoping that they will go completely. The important thing to remember it is not you or really part of your relationship and that you do need to find a way of managing these feelings. Don’t let them overwhelm you.

Anyway marriage/partnerships can be difficult, but can also be amazing,

Thanks

Lois